Adventures Of A Desperate Elf
by Luinramwen
Summary: There is a new race of creatures in Mirkwood. And they are after Legolas...
1. Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegolaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

A/N - I've noticed that a lot of people are doing Mary-Sue parody stories, and I couldn't resist the chance of taking a shot at Mary-Sues myself. For the purposes of the plot, Legolas Greenleaf is a Field Researcher working for the Restoration Department of the Biology Association of Mirkwood (BAM), and everyone is alive and in Middle-Earth.

Disclaimer - I own no one and nothing except the field journal of Legolas, BAM, the tea cosy Bilbo gave me, the potted plant Sam gave me, the spoon Lobelia gave to me, the pretty shiny chainmail Pippin gave me, the mushrooms Merry stole from Maggot's field, the fish Gollum gave me, the mallorn tree Legolas named after me (isn't he a sweetie!), the pretty shiny preciousss gold Ring Frodo gave to me (it's mine, it came to me!), the broken axe Gimli was giving away, the shiny glowy rock from Gandalf's staff, Boromir's lacy handkerchief (well YOU try retaining your self-respect if you're a Steward of Gondor and have a lace handkerchief!) and myself. My friends, as they appear, own themselves and nothing else except maybe some chocolate. I do not own the Mary-Sues, thank Eru. I don't need them after me to make me give them rights to Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Gollum, Faramir, Gimli, Boromir, Eomer, Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond, Sauron, etc, etc...

Chapter One

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Field Journal Entry #1 - It has been given to me to study the new race of creatures in Mirkwood Forest. Though they show obvious signs of intelligence, they are not civilized, nor are they -

Legolas brushed the end of his quill against his chin, thinking. He hadn't had much of a chance to observe the new creatures, really, even though they were everywhere in Mirkwood now. What could he say?

He scratched out his last sentence and began it again.

__

There is very little difference between the individuals. All possess unusual beauty, with perfect features. One can usually only tell them apart by small differences, such as a dimple in the left cheek instead of the right. They appear to be Elven, but certain characteristics (varicoloured eyes, odd-shaded hair) prove that they are not. No one has, of yet, spotted a male of this species either. Theirs is probably a matriarchal society. 

They have an intriguing system of communication as well: a high-pitched scream that varies in the notes of the scale, consisting of 3 distinct syllables : aay, ooh, laa_. No observations have been noted as to the use of the cry._

"Aaaaaay-oh-laaaaaa!" There was that call again! Legolas couldn't, for the life of him, make head or tail of it. The new creature did indeed show signs of intelligence, but the Elf-prince honestly couldn't tell if it was a warcry, or a way of passing on news, or a mating call, or something else entirely. Whatever it was, it was spooky, and it was driving him insane.

"Aaaaaaaay-ooh-laaaaaaa!" One of the new creatures, this one with silver hair and humongous purple eyes, bounded by outside his study window, like to a cat in grace and elegance. She was calling out, and muttering strangely under her breath in between calls. 

"Aaaay-oh - _Oh_!" he heard her say, and suddenly she backtracked and peeped in his window.

Legolas jumped in surprise, for so far none of these new creatures had attempted to make contact with the Elves. He stared at her, and the creature stared right back, boldly. An odd look appeared in her eyes. 

"Ooo," she muttered, "Pretty, pretty Legolas. He's mine! I found him first, no one else can claim him. He's mine, all mine..."

Legolas was growing distinctly uneasy. "Pardon," he said politely, "are you talking about me or some other Elf?"

"Legolas spoke to me!" she shrieked joyfully, then attempted to climb in through his window - which, Legolas noticed, too late, was wide open.

"Aaaay-oh-laaaa!" One of the other creatures was drawing near. "Laay-oh-laaa?" The cry became questioning, and more distinct.

Legolas didn't notice. "Back, spawn of Morgoth!" he cried as the first one vaulted at him and attempted to give him a slobbery kiss. He pushed her away. "Back, scion of Sauron! Back I say!"

"Leeeee-go-laaaaaas!" came the cry, much, much more distinctly. Legolas heard it this time, and he nearly froze to the spot with fear as its meaning became clear. He recovered himself enough to push the creature out the window as she attempted to kiss him again.

The Elf-prince pulled out his field journal and scribbled a hasty note. _They call for Elven blood. I believe them to be some sort of_ _vampi_(Here trails and blots of ink score the now ripped and crumpled page as the second 'vampiric' creature, commonly known as the Mary-Sue, attempted to hug Legolas to death). 

"You're mine! I claimed you, you are my love, my own -" she purred happily.

Legolas, in one swift, smooth move, picked up his hefty dictionary and brained the hapless Mary-Sue with it. She fell to the floor, unconscious.

Legolas rubbed his sore neck, where bruises and hickeys were already beginning to form. He was breathing heavily.

"Leeeeegolaaaaas!"

The Elf sprinted for the door, clutching his field journal. _Definitely a mating call_, he noted ruefully.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Legolas crouched unseen under a table as the Mary-Sues rushed around his father's Great Hall, calling out his name in a coaxing way. However, Legolas had no intention whatsoever of answering their calls. 

Ever the scientist, Legolas deducted that they must be a subspecies of the _Sirenia_ genus, due to their inherent charms and melodic voices.

"Legolas!" squealed one just then, interrupting his train of thought. She had tripped on the long flowing dresses of the others, fallen, and now could see exactly where Legolas was hiding. (The only reason none of them had noticed him before was because they were all extremely tall.)

Legolas yelped and made a dash for the door, but unfortunately several Mary-Sues grabbed ahold of him and quickly overpowered him. He flailed and struggled as the Mary-Sues closed in. 

It was no use. 

"Heeeeeelp!" he howled, abandoning all dignity. "I'm too young to diiiiiiie!"

"What's all the commotion in here about?"

Several Mary-Sues broke away from the main pack pressing in on Legolas as they heard the new voice.

"Aaaaaaraagoooooorn!"

"Run, Aragorn!" screamed Legolas, clawing away a Mary-Sue who was clinging to him. "_Run_!"

As the apparently Aragorn-loving Mary-Sues ran - and in some cases, tripped - their way towards the unlucky Ranger, a look of horror formed on his face, and he too, ran screaming - but _at_ the Mary-Sues, instead of away, sword drawn.

Almost immediately the extremely feminine and Aragorn-loving Mary-Sues fainted from the shock of seeing a sword waved in their direction, wielded by - in some cases - the love of their life.

This left Legolas with enough freedom to kick his way out of the Mary-Sues. He dashed toward the Ranger, yelling, "Let us flee before they awaken and give chase!"

The two friends shot out of the hall at full tilt.


	2. The Dark Paths Beneath The Earth

A/N - Blecch. Ok, my 'scientific facts' may be a bit off. Sorry if they are. I highly enjoy writing this, if for no other reason than to put the Fellowship through some torture. |-}

Disclaimer: You know what I own. I only need to add: a bottle of Old Winyards and a hug from Legolas. *shrugs* But I still don't own the Fellowship, which as I said earlier is probably a good thing.

Chapter Two

_Field Journal Entry #2 - The creatures in question, of the_ Sirenia _genus, species_ perfectivilus, _appear to be incredibly persistent. Their minds are extremely one-track -_

"Stop writing in that -" Aragorn sneezed violently, then continued, "_stupid_ diary!"

"It is not a diary," Legolas said in a dignified voice, still scribbling away, although it was raining cats and dogs - not to mention the fact that the two friends were balanced in the high branches of a tree several miles from the palace. "It is a field journal for my scientific observations." The Elf flicked his wet hair out of his face, as it was dripping on the pages, and continued. "I simply cannot afford to get behind in light of our recent discoveries of the behavioural activities of _Sirenia perfectivilus_."

Aragorn stared, non-plussed, at his friend. "You're mad as a hatter."

"Leeeeeeegolaaaaass!" came a call from the woods below. "Aaaaaaaragoooorrrn!"

Hastily, Legolas shoved his journal into a pocket and scanned the canopy. "I cannot see them," he reassured Aragorn, but added: "They are out there still, not far."

Grimly, Aragorn said, "We must find a safer refuge."

"Where?"

"Perhaps in the Misty Mountains, among the tunnels and caverns. I doubt they would follow us there."

Legolas glared at him. "Oh no you don't! You know I could never survive down there. I need to feel fresh air, smell the green of growing things -"

"Would you rather smell the creatures' perfume and feel their slobbery kisses on your cheek?"

The Elf let out a frustrated sigh. "So be it then. We go into the mountains." Staring darkly out over the forest, he added, "I hope the spiders eat them all first."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Only a few calls echoed occasionally over the rocky valleys and peaks of the Misty Mountains. Legolas and Aragorn hiked stolidly along, determinedly ignoring the far-off cries. Besides the nerve-racking screeches, there was no sign of the creatures.

Until a party of Mary-Sues, yelling excitely and toting snare nets and a bouquet of flowers apiece for their loved one, poured over the bluff to their right and attacked them. At this point, however, the Ranger and the Elf ran for a cleft in the mountainside.

The Mary-Sues did not follow them in, but the two friends couldn't get out with them guarding the entrance. Their only choice was to go deeper into the narrow passage and hope it eventually led back out.

All through that dark journey, the two started continually at the smallest noises from the shadows. They feared Orcs - or worse.

Then Aragorn stumbled over something in the dark - something breathing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" all three screamed.

"Aragorn? Legolas? Is that you? Oh thank Eru!" Boromir's terrified voice came out of the darkness at their feet. "Mary-Sues are after me. Mary-Sues are coming to get me! There is no escape from their evil, wicked touch -" he babbled on.

"Mary-Sues?" Aragorn asked dumbly.

"The tall fair demons that drop from the sky. They are looking for me. We must hide, they will get you too!" Boromir let out a hysterical giggle. "Can't sleep. Mary-Sues will get me. Can't sleep. Mary-Sues will find me -"

Legolas glanced with concern in what he assumed was Aragorn's direction. "I think he's gone insane."

"I'm sane. I'm saner than you! You know not the dangers of this blight upon Middle-Earth!" the Steward said hurriedly. "They come from the shadows, born of madness and lust. Their eyes gleam like the fires of Morgoth. They seek you out swifter than bloodhounds, and once they latch onto you, like leeches, they will never let you go until you are an obedient servant to their will." He started laughing." But they didn't get me, oh no, I escaped, I found a way!" Boromir's voice rose higher. "They tracked me from Gondor, ever on my tail, until at last I took to the dark paths under the earth! No, they did not find me, they did not subdue me to their will! And yet," he finished in a near-whisper, "I dare not sleep, still..."

Legolas fumbled in his pocket for a lightstone (a twin to the one on Gandalf's staff). As he brought it out, it began to glow.

Boromir sat on the tunnel floor, his knees held tight against his chest. The Gondorian's fine clothes were ripped and torn, and he was rocking back and forth with a vacant, horrified look on his face.

"Mary-Sues," he mumbled. "Mary-Sues! Oh, someone please help me... Erenriel is after me. Erenriel is after me and she is coming swiftly -"

"Erenriel?" The other two were obviously too shocked to do anything but repeat what Boromir said in a clueless manner.

"The worst of them all. Most persistent. Legolas, watch out. She says substitutes are all right, but when she finds him she's keeping Legolas for the rest of her life."

"Uh oh." Legolas paled. "That doesn't sound good."


	3. Erenriel and Luinramwen

Chapter Three

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Field Journal Entry #3 - The Sirenia perfectivilus, _commonly known as the Mary-Sue, is not only intelligent but highly organized and dangerous. Their tracking skills are superb. As well, they are capable of working in a group, though they have not yet progressed to sharing the spoils of their hunt -_

"We cannot stay here," Legolas persisted, after days of wandering around in the dark. "I feel stifled. We need to get out. There is no food, no water -"

Boromir shook his hear. "There is no escape. If we leave these tunnels the Mary-Sues will be waiting for us, and this time they will get us." At times, the Steward seemed lucid and almost sane. Legolas was inclined to think it was his and Aragorn's companionship that made it so.

"Perhaps the power of the Elves in Rivendell could stop them," Aragorn suggested. "No force for evil has ever overcome the Last Homely House."

"Yet," Boromir muttered under his breath. Neither heard him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The friends' arrival in Rivendell did not go unnoticed, though it certainly seemed that way to a relieved Elf, Ranger and Steward. They hastened to Lord Elrond's home, to warn him that Mary-Sues walked the lands and to urge him to take up arms against them.

But as they drew nearer, it became apparent that not all was well in Rivendell. Screams issued from the Half-Elven home, and the sound of electric razors hummed in the summer air. The trio ran faster, afraid that they were too late to do any good.

"Noooo!" they heard Elrond's panicked voice. "Not the eyebrows! You can have my sons!"

"Nooooo!" screamed Elladan and Elrohir. "Don't give us up to the Mary-Sues! Please Father!"

"But it's my eyebrows!" wailed Elrond in dismay.

Cries of, "Ellaadaaaan!" and "Elrohiiiiir!" from the Mary-Sues were suddenly punctuated by twin voices shrieking simultaneously, "Leeeeeeegoooolaaaaaaas!"

"They've spotted us!" yelled Aragorn in sheer panic.

"It's Erenriel and Luinramwen!" screamed Boromir in pure terror.

"Erenriel you told us of, but who's Luinramwen?" asked Legolas puzzledly.

"You don't need to know! Just run!"

They ran. It doesn't matter who a person is if they happen to be a Mary-Sue. Aragorn and Legolas were learning that much.

Two Mary-Sues - one with long shiny blue hair and enormous brown eyes, one with pitch black hair and enormous blue eyes, both tall and heartbreakingly beautiful - strode out of the Half-Elven home and broke into a run when they sighted the three friends.

"Legolas!"

"RUN!!" screamed Boromir again.

They went faster, but the Mary-Sues Erenriel and Luinramwen were gaining on them.

"Leeeeeeegolaaaaaaaaas!"

"He's miiine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!" 

The two started pushing each other and swearing in a very un-ladylike manner. Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir managed to put more distance between them.

"He's getting awaaaay!"

The Mary-Sues, by some extraordinary means, managed to sprint fast enough to catch hold of Legolas' arms.

"Noooo!" screamed Legolas, stumbling to a ragged halt with the girls hanging on tight. "Heeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeee!"

"He's mine!" Erenriel insisted, tugging his right arm.

"Mine!" snarled Luinramwen, pulling hard on his left.

"No he's mine!"

"He's mine, let him go, he doesn't want you!"

"Mine!" 

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine! Now give him to me or you'll suffer the consequences!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Miiiine!"

"He's mine and there's nothing you can do about it!" Luinramwen yelled, heaving so hard she knocked both Legolas and Erenriel off-balance. Legolas' arms were getting very sore.

"Nooo!" cried Erenriel.

"I'm/He's neither of yours!" screamed two people at once.

"Huh?" Legolas shook his head as an Elf-maiden (a perfectly normal Elf-maiden, nothing Mary-Sueish about her in the least, thank Eru) sprang in front of him, twin sabres flashing dangerously in the sunlight. Luinramwen let go of Legolas' arm. Legolas rubbed his sore arms and gave a sigh of relief.

"Nuiniachwen!" they squealed in dismay.

"For the last time, stay away from the dumb cluck," scolded Nuiniachwen, advancing on the now cowering Mary-Sues. "Leave the poor guy alone. He's not smart enough to run from both of you."

"Hey!" protested Legolas.

"But he's sooooo hot," whined Luinramwen.

"And he's soooooo cool," added Erenriel.

"I don't care. Just leave the stupid Elf alone and I'll give you chocolate."

Erenriel squeaked with delight, but then she remembered that if you were a Mary-Sue, you had to watch your weight, and so obviously couldn't eat chocolate.

Erenriel burst into tears.


	4. They're Like Ants

Chapter 4

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Field Journal Entry #4 - The Mary-Sue is a peculiar creature. It can befriend normal females and gain their trust, but as soon as one of them spots a male they turn into desperate, drooling maniacs. Also noted that Mary-Sues may not alway have been Mary-Sues, as is evinced by the conversation between subjects Nuiniachwen, Erenriel, and Luinramwen -

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" scolded Nuiniachwen to a sobbing Erenriel. "Crying over chocolate when you have more important things to worry about."

"Cho - chocolate _is_ important," Erenriel hiccuped, her brown eyes filling with tears. "Almost as important as Le - Le - Legolas." She hiccuped again and burst into fresh tears.

Luinramwen was attempting to comfort Erenriel and flirt with the considerably startled Legolas at the same time. Boromir, terrified of the girls, was whimpering in fear and attempting to hide behind Aragorn.

"Shhh," Luinramwen consoled. "It's all right. Once I - er, we - have claimed Legolas for ours - by the way, Legolas dear, you look especially awesome today - then you can have chocolate again. It won't take long."

In answer, Erenriel beamed and cheered up immediately. "Promise?"

"Promise. Legolas, if you're not busy Friday evening, I know a delightful cafe near Hollin that I think you would love."

Legolas made a strangled, terrified noise in his throat.

"Well, if you're busy then, how about Saturday? There's a ball right here in Rivendell that evening," Erenriel piped up.

Nuiniachwen smirked and sheathed her sabres. "They're boneheads," she commented to the Elf and the two Men, as Luinramwen and Erenriel started a vicious argument about who Legolas would prefer to go out with. "You three could skip away singing at the top of your lungs and those two wouldn't notice. Heck, _I_ could skip away singing at the top of my lungs and they wouldn't notice."

"I don't get it," Legolas frowned.

Nuiniachwen sighed. "I'm really bad at singing. You don't want a demonstration, do you?"

"Yes," Aragorn said.

Nuinichwen screwed up her face and sighed. "All right."

Two minutes later, the three friends cautiously took their hands off their ears, still wincing.

Luinramwen and Erenriel were still fighting. 

"You were right," allowed Aragorn. The others glared at him.

"Go on," Nuiniachwen urged them with her sabre points. "Get out. Unless you want those idiots catching up with you. They're almost done arguing."

Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn turned as one and fled.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"We need a better place to hide," said Aragorn. "It is no longer safe in Rivendell. The power of the Elves has failed us."

"Where can we find a place where there are no Mary-Sues?" Legolas asked wearily. "If Rivendell is not safe, what place is?"

"Mordor," said Boromir solemnly, darkly.

Aragorn laughed airily. "We shan't have to go as far as that."

"Where?" asked Legolas again, sounding slightly desperate.

"The Shire. Not one of the Mary-Sues we've seen would go there. I mean, what kind of Elf would fall in love with a short, fat person with hairy feet?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Long weeks of travelling swiftly along the Road terminated finally as the three friends trudged across the Brandywine Bridge.

"Where to first?" asked Legolas.

"Bag-End. It's the only hobbit-hole I know big enough to accomodate three extra non-hobbits. I'm sure Frodo will be pleased to see us."

Boromir didn't say anything, just listened to the wind as it seemed to hiss, "Legolassssss..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hobbiton was as silent and empty-looking as a tomb.

"That's odd," commented Legolas. "Perhaps it's a festival day, and they're all off somewhere else?"

But everyone sensed, deep inside, that the silence meant something awful was lying in wait.

By the time the three reached Bag-End, they were certain something was wrong.

Aragorn knocked on the door. The sound fell heavily into the silence. They waited.

"Well that's torn it." Legolas' sharp Elven hearing picked up Pippin's whispered voice. "They're back."

"No!" Sam said fiercely. "They're not comin' in this time."

"Go away!" screamed Frodo. There was a hysterical note in his voice, and a small touch of insane anger. "Go away! Perverts! Wackos! Romantic lunatics! You can't come in! We'll die first!"

"Calm down, little ones," Aragorn said. "It's friends."

There was the sound of struggling with something large and unwieldy. The door creaked open, and Merry cautiously poked his head out. "Aragorn?" he asked. "Boromir? Legolas? Come in quick!"

The three hurried in, taking care not to bump their heads.

"What's wrong?" Boromir asked upon seeing the terrified hobbits.

"Mary-Sues," Frodo whispered in horror. "_Mary-Sues._ They're after us, Boromir, and they're not letting us escape. We had to barricade the door to keep them out, and board up all the windows. And now they're trying to dig in. They're like ants, you can't get rid of them. I think they can sense our presence, even when they can't see us." He began laughing maniacally. 

"Cousin Frodo's had a few too many after him," confided Merry.

"I went after 'em with a pitchfork the last time they got through," growled Sam. "Dirty varmints."

"They are evil creatures," Frodo said fiercely.

"I know," Legolas said, dropping cross-legged to the floor and burying his head in his hands. "And I agree. We're trapped. If they've even come to Hobbiton -" He grimaced. "Just thank Eru, halflings, that you at least don't have to deal with Luinramwen and Erenriel."

"I _told_ you the only Mary-Sue free place would be Mo-" Boromir began before he was interrupted by a yell of terror from Frodo.

"You've met them? The demons of the underworld, the scions of Morgoth? You must run! Legolas, they are in the Shire, and they are after you!"

Legolas said a few choice, extremely un-Elvish words. "We really are trapped then!"

"They've been here, asking about you," Pippin filled them in quickly, as Frodo sank into silence, hugging his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth with a wild look in his eyes. "We told them we hadn't seen you for ages, but they didn't believe us and now they refuse to leave us alone. It's downright scary."

Suddenly a scream pierced the uneasy silence. "Leeeeegolaaaaaaas!"

"They're back!" yelled Merry in panic.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - yes, I finally updated. And yes, I did ask my friend Nuin if it was all right if I made reference to her lousy singing, as she's always insisting she's terrible. She made a face but she agreed, so I got to keep the reference.


	5. Tasslehoff and Sub Ubi

A/N - This is probably my favourite chapter so far - you'll find out why.

Thank you ever so much for all the reviews! In response, I say: I'm glad it's funny. Weird? Of course it is, it's my trademark. Don't worry, it'll be getting much worse. 

You'll soon note that the two main Mary-Sues are different from the typical stereotype. Why? Because they're based off me and my friend. BTW, if you too wish to have a go at the LoTR character of your choice, leave your chosen Mary-Sue form and name with me in the form of a review or an e-mail, and I will attempt to give you a cameo role in a forth-coming chapter.

Disclaimer - I own a chocolate Legolas figurine. That's all. I don't even own the character of Luinramwen, the little voices in my head have copyrighted her. Drat.

****

Chapter 5

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Field Journal Entry #5 - _The Mary-Sue shows characteristics reminiscent of both the hunting hound, and the mosquito (Further study - is _Sirenia perfectivilus_ descended from canines or insects?); as well, they show signs that they have inherited the Dwarvish trait of delving. To which species do they truly belong?...._

Together the terrified men and hobbits cowered beneath the table in the Bag-End dining room.

"Leeeeeeeegolaaaaaas!" came the cry again.

Legolas tapped Aragorn's shoulder. "Is it just me, or does that cry sound like it's coming from inside the walls?"

Frodo let out a high-pitched squeak. "They're coming for us!"

Boromir's gaze focussed on the near wall, which seemed to bulge and move before his eyes. "Uh, guys -" he began.

The boards fell off the wall, and a rather dishevelled-looking Erenriel tumbled out, blue hair stuck to her face. Frodo screamed before anyone could clap a hand over his mouth. 

Erenriel peeked under the table and grinned. "Hello, Legolas. What are you doing down there?"

"Hey!" came Luinramwen's voice from inside the wall, "no fair flirting without me!" A few seconds later, the raven-haired Elf slid out of the wall and crawled under the table. "Hellooo, Legolas," Luinramwen said, embracing him affectionately. "Long time no see." Legolas screamed.

Erenriel, meanwhile, had been busy. When Legolas finally escaped Luinramwen's death grip, neither the hobbits nor Aragorn and Boromir were visible. An evil cackle emanated from the hole in the wall, and Luinramwen too scrambled out of sight. A wail of horror sounded from the hobbits. 

Legolas stared in dismay. Erenriel's voice floated up from below. "If you want to see your friends again, you have to agree to come with us willingly, Legolas dear. I hate to use force, but it's the only way you'll pay attention."

Sam was swearing viciously at the Mary-Sues. Boromir was whimpering in fear, as was Frodo. Pippin and Merry were yelling at the top of their lungs for Erenriel and Luinramwen to leave them alone. Legolas heard Luinramwen laughing evilly.

He gulped. He was never going to get out of this one. He couldn't go down there into the dark where the Mary-Sues were waiting.

"Hey you dumbasses!" yelled Nuiniachwen, who appeared suddenly through a doorway. "Come out of there or I'll sing!"

No answer.

Nuiniachwen began singing, "Oops I Did it Again."

After a few seconds, Luinramwen and Erenriel burst out of the wall, screaming, "Legolas, save meeeeeee!"

Legolas just gawked in surprise. How on Middle-Earth did Nuiniachwen always manage to turn up in the nick of time? But he then he stopped gawking and started screamed, for both Erenriel and Luinramwen flung their arms about him and clung on desperately.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Save meeeee!"

"Let me go!" Legolas screamed, averting his eyes from their frightened ones. If what Boromir said was true, they could hypnotize a man with their gaze. "Let me gooooo!"

"All RIGHT!" Nuiniachwen bellowed. "That's ENOUGH!"

Dead silence. The Mary-Sues let go of Legolas - reluctantly, true enough, but at least they let go.

The others screamed up out of the tunnel and tried to stand where they wouldn't be noticed by the two Mary-Sues.

Any improvements in Boromir's state of mind were gone. Frodo was worse than before, babbling something that sounded like, "Alea jacta est! Wingardium leviosa! Veni, vidi, vici. Tarantallegra! Semper ubi, sub ubi. Crucio!"

The others looked scarred for life, but whether by the circumstances or the mere reality of Luinramwen and Erenriel's presence was uncertain.

"Look what you've done to them!" raged Nuiniachwen. "If you'd just give up your obsession with Legolas and settle for some other nice Elfy dude, no one would be hurt. I see at LEAST three people who seriously need to go to the place with the padded walls VERY soon."

"The name is Bond; James Bond," Frodo intoned earnestly.

"See what you've done?"

"Sorry," mumbled Luinramwen. "We only wanted Legolas."

"Hello Mr. Bond," Boromir said, bowing. "My name is Tasslehoff Burrfoot. Ooo! That's a very nice, very shiny sword you have, Mr. Bond! May I see it?"

"No!" Frodo hugged Sting to him. "It's mine, my own, my precioussss."

Boromir pouted, then became distracted by Nuiniachwen's sabers.

"Now I feel kinda bad," Erenriel said, watching the two. "I didn't mean to cause them to become candidates for the funny farm, although it IS rather entertaining to watch." Even Nuiniachwen had to agree with that.

"To be? Or not to be? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or, to take arms against a sea of troubles...and by opposing, end them -"

"FRODO! PUT AWAY THE BUTTER KNIFE!" screamed Nuiniachwen, Aragorn, Legolas, Merry and Pippin in horrified unison. Sam wrestled it out of the deranged hobbit's grip.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly deedly -" sang Boromir, unconcerned. He skipped around and attempted to pinch Luinramwen's dagger.

"Thanks, ladies," Aragorn's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "We really needed this."

Both had the grace to look ashamed.

Nuiniachwen boarded up the two Mary-Sues in their tunnel under Bag-End. "And when you get out," she called, "I don't want to see you after Legolas - or anyone else - again!"

Yet again, the companions were forced to run in fear of their sanity.

*~*~*~*~*

Translations for Frodo's babbling: The die has been cast, a levitation spell, I came, I saw, I conquered, a tarantella spell, Always wear underwear, pain spell. 


	6. It's Just Your Ordinary, Average Day of ...

A/N - long time no update. It's not the way that I intended this - I hope you see that I am sorry, cause this will have to be my apology. So, finally, chapter six. And apologies to Liz - I'd already written this chapter by the time you asked for a cameo role. You're in chapter seven.

Disclaimer - I own nothing. Got it? I'm too lazy to come up with anything entertaining for a disclaimer today. Sorry.

Chapter Six

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Field Journal Entry #6 - Mary-Sues have the grace of a cat and the IQ of a bowling ball. They are excellent trackers, but in spite of the uncanny instincts, they seem incapable of following simple instructions if they don't have a mind to...

"Where are we?" complained Merry, scrabbling over rocks and slipping once more. "Ow!"

"Caradhras," said Boromir happily. "I _love_ this place! Remember, last time there was lots of snow and we almost died and I wanted to go sledding on my shield except Aragorn wouldn't let me -"

"Caradhras?!" Legolas was horrified. "How could I forget what the mountain did to us last time!"

"That was when we had the Ring," Aragorn explained patiently. "The mountain repels evil. I'm hoping it will keep the Mary-Sues away."

Sam snorted mirthlessly. "Or we might get buried beneath ragin' snow."

"I'd rather go that way than by Mary-Sues!" cried Pippin almost cheerfully. "Perhaps Aragorn is right and we have nothing to fear."

"If it snows, can I go sledding?" asked Boromir wistfully.

*~*~*

"Shhhh!" Legolas hissed, halting abruptly. "I heard something."

The friends scanned the area. "I don't see anything," frowned Aragorn.

"I know I heard something," insisted Legolas.

"Look! Something moved, over there!" Sam pointed.

"A flash of white," added Merry.

"Look at that!" Boromir cheered. "Snow clouds! Oh, please, I want to go sledding when it snows. Please, Aragorn?" He looked hopefully at the Fellowship's former leader.

"All right," Aragorn sighed. "You can go sledding."

"Yay!"

"I see dead people!" yelled Frodo in alarm as the snow started falling. Legolas rolled his eyes.

It kept snowing - and snowing - and snowing some more. Boromir was sulking because it was so white out Aragorn had forbidden him to attempt sledding lest he went over a cliff.

"One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!" chanted Frodo. He had been going on and on about Whos and cats wearing hats for over an hour now, and everyone was severely sick of him.

"I'm _bored_," whined Boromir. "There's nothing shiny or remotely interesting here, and I _still_ want to go sledding."

"Where did Nuiniachwen go?" Merry asked suddenly.

No one could remember when or where the mysterious Elf had disappeared.

"I heard the noise again!" Legolas said. "Sort of a scraping noise, like rocks rubbing together."

"Well, we're not going to be able to see what's making those noises in the storm," Aragorn said, shivering with cold. "Nor could it see us."

"Thank goodness for small mercies," Legolas muttered.

*~*~*

"Oy! Pea-brain!" yelled Frodo suddenly. His cry echoed across the silent gorge.

"Shut up!" hissed Legolas frantically, clapping a hand over the hobbit's mouth. Frodo tried to bite his hand and twisted away, snarling, "_Get away from me, werewolf!"_

"Huh?" Legolas was perplexed. "Werewolf?"

"Got a walrus?" Frodo replied instead of answering.

"Whaaaaaaaaa?" That was it, Legolas decided, Frodo was definitely deranged.

The snow had finally stopped, and there was still no sign of the creature who had made the noises. And with the noise the schizophrenic Frodo and Boromir were making, Legolas was just as glad.

"I'm still bored," Boromir complained. "Can I go sledding now?"

"Sure," Aragorn said with a sigh.

"Yay!" Boromir cheered. He unslung his shield from his back, sat on it, and shoved off. The Steward sped off down the hill, yelling gleefully.

"Rattlebrained doorknob of a kender," Frodo muttered, glowering.

Merry's teeth were chattering. "C-can w-we l-look f-for sh-shelter?" he asked. "I-I'm f-freezing!"

"Good idea," said Legolas. The companions spread out and began looking for a cave or an overhang, without much luck. They were just about to give up when -

"I've got a smile on my face, and I've got four walls around meee; I've got the sun in the sky, all the waateers surou-ound meeee, ohhhh you knoooow; yeah I win now, but sometimes I'll lose -" sang Frodo very loudly.

"I'VE BEEN BATTERED, BUT I'LL NEVER BRUISE, IT'S NOT SO BAAAAAAD -" sang back two horribly familiar voices. 

Legolas swore. "They're back again!"

*~*~*

A/N - shorter chapter, I know. I'll be back up to length again next time, I hope.


	7. Lizabethwen, The Truth about Nuin, And T...

Chapter Seven

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Field Journal Entry #7 _- Mary-Sues appear to feel safer travelling in groups, though in _s. perfectivilus_, as in other species, you get you odd-ones-out, the loners..._

Luinramwen and Erenriel ran gracefully down the rocky slope, still singing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the companions, scrabbling over each other in vain attempts to get away.

"LEEEEEEEEEEEGOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAS!" screamed a new voice; its owner vaulted over the heads of the startled Mary-Sues and landed with a thud in front of the terrified comrades.

She looked the least Elven of all the Legolas-pursuers so far. She was not as tall as the others, and her browny-red hair was cut shoulder-length. Her green eyes burned fiercely with anger and lust. "Keep away from MY Legolas!" she barked.

"Lizabethwen?" chorused Luinramwen and Erenriel in shock.

"The one and only! I finally managed to catch up to you guys - I've been tailing you since you left Rivendell. Legolas is mine!" she said defiantly.

"First come first serve," shot back Erenriel. "We were here first. Or, rather, _I_ was here first."

"Was not!" Luinramwen yelled angrily.

"It's the end of the world!" screamed Frodo in panic.

Boromir ran back up the slope at this juncture, dragging his shield behind. "Hey guys, what's up?" he said cheerfully. He plucked a dagger from his belt, flipped it in the air, and caught it again deftly.

"Hey! That's my dagger!" yelled Lizabethwen. Then she stopped and frowned, thinking. "Wait a minute. I don't need a weapon to win my Legolas' heart," she mused aloud.

"Where's Nuiniachwen when you need her?" moaned Legolas, attempting to hide behind Aragorn.

"RIGHT HERE!" bellowed the Elf-maid, her sabres flashing as she leaped out from behind a rock.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the Mary-Sues as the wrathful Nuiniachwen bore down upon them. 

She was spluttering with anger. "If - if you hadn't been my friends before you became Mary-Sues, why I'd - I'd -"

"Meep!" squeaked Luinramwen and Erenriel.

Lizabethwen snickered at the two Mary-Sues being taken to task by their former friend. While Nuiniachwen was otherwise occupied, Lizabethwen slowly eased her way closer to Legolas.

Nuiniachwen must have had a radar that alerted her whenever Legolas was in danger, however, because she cut herself off mid-word, spun around, and tackled Lizabethwen.

"DO - NOT - TOUCH - THE ELF!" she roared. Nuiniachwen got to her feet, holding the three Mary-Sues at bay with her sabres. "I've had it up to _here_ with your type," she growled. "If you're not running full speed down the mountain by the time I finish counting to three, I'm chasing you down. I may chase you down anyways just for the hell of it, but that's beside the point. One.........Two........"

The Mary-Sues shot off, Nuiniachwen in hot pursuit.

*~*~*

Nuiniachwen returned about sunset to a gloomy campfire lit in a small, protective alcove. The first they were aware of her, she darkened the cleft, saying, "I'm beat. I need sugar."

"Are they gone?" Pippin asked quietly.

She flopped to the ground with a sigh. "Yeah. They're gone. Do any of you have any chocolate?"

"What's chocolate?" Aragorn said curiously.

"What's _chocolate_!" yelped Nuiniachwen in pure shock. "You mean you don't _know?_ You don't have any?!"

The sane ones shook their heads, confused.

Nuin buried her head in her hands. "This _bites_! I hate this job."

"What job?" Legolas asked keenly.

"Catching Mary-Sues." She pulled a tattered newspaper clipping out of her pocket. "Here it is. The ad that got me into this. 'Looking for Adventure? Join SAG (Stop All Glompers)! Travel Opportunities! Big Bonuses! No experience is required, just a keen sense of responsibility to canons of all sorts.'" 

Nuin sighed. "It's certainly interesting. Only last week I got to visit the Starship Enterprise to get rid of a Mary-Sue there. The week before that I was in St. Mungo's in London, trying to wheedle out of Remus Lupin where the hell Erenriel had gone after her attempt on him. He was absolutely terrified out of his mind at the mere mention of her name, could barely speak until I mentioned that if he could help us catch her she'd be de-Sueified and never come after him again. Then it was a problem getting him to shut up; I never thought he'd stop talking. And his information has proved extraordinarily accurate. Poor bloke." She shook her head.

Legolas cringed in sympathy. "Agreed."

"But the thing is, I'd've had Erenriel and Luinramwen off your tails two weeks back if it wasn't for the fact that my reinforcements are slow in coming. Actually, to be honest, Luin was my original backup, but as you can tell -" Nuiniachwen gestured helplessly.

"So Mary-Sues are originally from your world?" Legolas asked in astonishment. "Does that mean you're not really an Elf?" He took out his field journal and began scribbling rapid notes.

"No, I took this form for the purposes of blending in. SAG's great on disguises. And yes, the Mary-Sues plaguing your world are from my real world, Earth."

"So were Luinramwen and Erenriel originally normal people?" Aragorn was amazed.

"Well...I wouldn't call them _normal_, per se. None of us were. But we weren't _s. perfectivili_, more to the point. But then we got into Lord of the Rings - your canon - and Harry Potter. And they became Mary-Sues. Their two commonly agreed on targets were you, Legolas, and Remus Lupin. Only, what hurts is that I never knew Luin was one of them until the Lupin incident. Then it was too late to find another backup in time for this assignment."

"So why haven't you stopped them yet, if they used to be your friends?"

"Because I really need reinforcements if I'm not gonna kill myself in the process," admitted Nuin. "No one person can hold a Mary-Sue against their will. Two people, however - well, until my reinforcements show up, I can do nothing but hold them off."

"I have an idea!" Boromir announced. "Legolas, _you_ can be the reinforcements! You kinda do the same thing, I mean, it's both scientifical and in the name of justifi-thingymahooey or whatever you call it."

Silence. Then:

"BAM and SAG," Legolas said slowly. "It might be a good idea -"

"To foster inter-canon alliances like these," finished Nuin. "I'd need to do a rush training, but yeah. Yeah." She grinned. "I think we just might be able to pull it off."

*~*~*

A/N - Aha! The plot develops at last!


	8. Moria, and BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

A/N - how did it happen? It's suddenly become an LoTR/HP crossover. Oops. Oh well. 

WARNING: Spoilers for OoTP!! If you haven't read it do not even attempt reading this until you've finished all seven hundred-odd pages of OoTP!

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* Are you gone yet if you haven't read it?

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* Too bad now. It's not MY fault you're stupid.

Disclaimer - I own nothing. Nothing at all. Not Remus. Not Legolas. Nothing and no one. How depressing is that?

Chapter Eight

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Field Journal Entry #8 - Mary-Sues afflict all worlds, or, as collegue Nuiniachwen put it, canons. (Note: find out exactly what a 'canon' is) S. perfectivilus_ is not unique only to Middle-Earth, and appear to be a widespread infestation..._

"So _why_ exactly do you need me for backup?" Legolas persisted when Nuiniachwen paused in her lecture on the responsibilities of SAG members.

"To catch the Mary-Sues, get them back to Earth, and de-Sueify them," repeated Nuiniachwen yet again.

"But you know so much more about it. Surely you could hold a Mary-Sue against their will by yourself?"

"I might, but I'd need a stun-gun, which I don't have, and after the stun treatment most Sues wake up violent. I need reinforcements, which you, Legolas, are." Nuin was getting exasperated. "Get it through your head."

"But why -?"

"SHUT UP!" howled Nuin, holding her head.

"Well, you _are_ being rather obtuse," Aragorn pointed out. 

"All right, all right," grumbled Nuin. "SAG associates _always_ work in groups, because if they didn't, and a lone one got hurt or killed, someone would get in major sh**. We usually don't recruit many men for the actual catch, because as you are aware, Mary-Sues cause havoc with most guys. So I figured, the simpler Legolas' goals were, the less likely he'd get distracted. I've had a clean record for nearly three years now, and I intend to keep it that way. That means no dying on me. OK? You have one focus: do whatever I tell you to to capture the Sues, whether it seems inane or insane or just plain useless. I know what I'm doing." 

Suddenly she stopped and looked thoughtful. "You know what? I just had an idea. HQ's Head Cheeses should recruit traumatized canon characters, because I'd bet they'd be absolutely ruthless in the de-Sueifying process. Remus Lupin could shoot up the ranks so fast he'd go through the roof. It'd do wonders for his mental well-being too. Hell, it'd probably do Boromir and Frodo some good too. I'm mentioning that next time I'm at HQ."

"Where are we going to next to escape the Mary-Sues?" asked Merry.

"Mordor," Boromir suggested again.

"No," Aragorn shrugged the suggestion off again. "Moria."

"But there's Orcs, trolls, and maybe another Balrog!" cried Pippin.

Aragorn grinned. "That's the point."

"In the name of Aslan!" cried Frodo.

"Let's do it," said Legolas.

"Just a reminder: sometime or other you're gonna have to find a good place to stand against the Sues," said Nuin. "Keep looking for a good ambush point."

Suddenly, a funny buzzing sound was heard. Nuin pulled something out of her pocket that looked like a cross between a pocket watch and a barometer and stared at it. Then she started cursing and saying a lot of very unladylike and extremely un-Elvish words. "I have to go. Now! Catch ya later!" She leapt back and starting bounding away across the slope.

"Where are you going?" Aragorn yelled after her.

"12 Grimmauld Place! Sh**! Shouldn't've told you that!" she screamed back. "I really hope there aren't any Death Eaters that followed me into Middle-Earth!..."

"What in Middle-Earth is she talking about?" wondered Pippin. The others shrugged.

*~*~*

At last the companions were over the pass of Caradhras, and down they went into Dimrill Dale, and then up the steep winding path into the darkness of the Mines.

"But the bridge was broken," Merry said. "How can we cross into the depths of Moria?"

"There are other ways," Aragorn replied. "We simply took the easiest route last time."

"I'm going fast as I can, please don't make me rush; this feeling's coming on way too fast -" Frodo sang quietly to avoid being smacked upside the head by his saner companions.

"Where is he getting all these songs from?" wondered Pippin.

"Luinramwen and Erenriel knew the one he was singing up on Caradhras," remembered Sam.

"Perhaps they come from Earth as well," suggested Legolas.

Suddenly the unmistakeable sound of several screaming _s. perfectivili_ broke the muffled quiet of the Black Pit.

"Uh-oh," muttered Aragorn. "Get Frodo to stop singing! I think I know why they are able to track us!" he yelled.

"What?!" 

"It's the songs! The Mary-Sues follow the songs! Or, at least our two main pursuers do."

"Oh no!" groaned Legolas.

"Will they have more shinies for me to steal?" asked Boromir hopefully.

"Probably! Now run!" yelled Aragorn in a panic.

The screaming grew louder. "Aaaaaaaaaraagooooorn!"

"Booooooooorooomiiiiiiiir!"

"Leeeeeeeeeegoolaaaaaaas!"

"Froooooooodoooooooo!"

"Leeeeeeeeeeeeegoolaaaas!"

"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!"

"Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!"

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerryyyy!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the companions, running after Aragorn, who was high-tailing it for a low slit in the rock wall.

"Hurry!" he called, dropping to his knees. "We'll have to crawl!"

The last one to disappear into the low passage (Sam) just barely made it before a Mary-Sue arrived and snatched at his foot. They heard her scream of anguish. "I broke a nail!"

"Hurry!" yelled Aragorn again.

"We're going fast as we can!" yelled Legolas. "_You're_ in front. _You_ hurry!"

"Someone shut Frodo up! He's singing again!" came Aragorn's muffled voice back.

Sure enough, the maddened hobbit was singing, "Seeee chameleon, lying there in the sun - all things to everyone, run runaway! OW!" Someone had apparently thwacked him, and Frodo finally shut up.

When they made it to the other end of the tunnel, several hours later, the friends collapsed to the floor of the chamber it had opened up in, unable to move. Their knees were stiff, bloody and sore. If a Mary-Sue had come in and found them, they would have been next to helpless to repel her. Wearily, they ate a cold meal of whatever rations they had on them, and then tried to sleep.

They were just drifting off when they saw movement in the doorway. They snapped awake, tense with fear.

It was Nuiniachwen. She strode in, shutting the chamber door firmly behind her and locking it, saying, "Hello again. God, you look even worse than I feel! What've you been doing?"

"Crawling down a dark cramped tunnel for several hours. What've you been doing?" Aragorn demanded.

Nuin shuddered and retrieved her sabre from Boromir's curious hands. "_Twelve_ Mary-Sues at Grimmauld Place! Twelve! All looking for separate targets! I thought the place was going to go ballistic! A nightmare, let me tell you, especially since these Mary-Sues were cleverer than most. Then I had to round up everyone who needed to be taken to St. Mungo's again to recuperate. They've got a whole ward for Sue-victims now. Remus Lupin's practically got resident's status, same with Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, and a few others. God, Sirius is lucky he's dead, they don't come after him as much, 'cause they think he's kicked the bucket now. Course, Boromir's dead too, or supposed to be, and it hasn't seemed to change anything for him -" 

"What the -?" They gaped.

"Never mind me, I'm just babbling," she sighed. "I always feel so down after a bad trip like that. I desperately need chocolate. Brought my own, this time, even enough to share. Ya want to try some?" Nuin opened the pouch slung at her waist and started tossing chocolate bars to the startled companions.

"Yum!" cried Boromir, rapidly wolfing down a Mars Bar.

"Thif if vewy goo'" agreed Legolas through a mouthful of chocolate.

"BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" went the hobbits.

"Uh-oh," said Aragorn in alarm. "What's wrong with them?"

"Sugar buzz," shrugged Nuin. "Nothing serious or permanent." She took another bite, swallowed, then opened another bar. "The nice thing about chocolate is that most Mary-Sues avoid it like the plague. It's like a major allergic reaction for them. Zits, noticeable weight gain, bloating, vibrating so fast they either implode or explode. This is all within seconds of eating one thing chocolate. So, if you guys want to sleep, which I daresay you do, we're perfectly safe, as long as we pile the chocolate around the exits."

"Wonderfulstuffchocolateis," Sam agreed, vibrating so much his whole body was a blur.


	9. Elves, Dwarves, Wizards, MarySues and a ...

A/N - I'm really sorry I haven't updated in such a long time. Got totally distracted by so many things, especially my school schedule. Have you ever heard of CALM - Career and Life Management? If you haven't, be glad. It's extremely boring. That's part of why I haven't updated. So finally, here is the new fluffy chapter! (Fluffy is simply my word of the day. I saw a pic of Draco on the net with the caption, "He's all fluffy!" and I've been saying 'fluffy' all weekend long. Heheheh)

Disclaimer - I own no LoTR characters or HP characters. Bah humbug. *sulks*

Chapter 9

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Field Journal Entry #9 - Mary-Sues can be driven off with chocolate, Dwarves, Orcs, Balrogs, wizards, and the threat of a broken fingernail...

The companions slumbered deeply, completely exhausted from their long day escaping the hordes of _s. perfectivilus_. Snores filled the chamber. The only one still awake, in fact, was Nuin, who sat cross-legged in a corner with her hands over her ears, glaring at the companions whose thunderous snoring was keeping her awake. She attempted humming to herself to drown it out.

Bad move. The tune she chose was "Stumbling In".

Luinramwen and Erenriel, searching far away near the western gat for Legolas, heard the faint strains of their favourite band, and altered direction abruptly, heading unerringly to the sound, a fact which Nuin noticed a few minutes later.

_Crash! Bang!_

"Ow! Someone locked the door!"

"Stupid idiot! (Long string of random, non-G-rated expletives)!"

The companions woke with a start simultaneously, fumbling for their weapons.

"It's them," whispered Legolas, nocking an arrow to his string. "We're doomed."

"Doomed?" Nuiniachwen started laughing. "Don't make me laugh. I don't think so."

The door bulged and splintered as the two persistent Mary-Sues hacked at it with their swords.

"Leeeeeeeeegooolaaaaaaaaas!"

"We're doomed," Aragorn agreed despondently with Legolas.

"Can I borrow their swords?" Boromir asked eagerly.

"Please do," grimaced Legolas. The hobbits drew their own shortswords and stood in a bunch, prepared to rush the door. Sting glowed purple.

"Hey!" Merry exclaimed. "It's purple! Isn't it supposed to be blue?"

Frodo nodded wordlessly, staring fascinated at his blade, too amazed to even quote anything.

"Fancy that," remarked Nuiniachwen cheerfully. "It warns of Mary-Sues too. That's useful."

The door splintered even more as the blades began poking through. 

"I'm getting a very bad feeling of _deja vu_," said Legolas uneasily.

"Ooo! D'you think they'll have a cave troll this time too? Oh I do hope so!" Boromir began jumping up and down in excitement.

"_S. perfectivili_ are _worse_ than any cave troll," the Elf said grimly.

"Don't get excited," Nuiniachwen muttered. She strolled to the door and yelled, "Hey! You! Stop that right now!"

"Nuiniachwen?" chorused the Mary-Sues. "You again?"

"You boneheads! Of course it's me, what other idiot would be singing Great Big Sea songs in the middle of Moria?"

"Oh."

"We thought...well...Legolas..."Luinramwen stammered in a small voice.

"Sorry," added Erenriel.

"You should be! I was trying to get some sleep! D'you have any idea how difficult my job is made by girls like you? For old friendship's sake, go away and leave me alone."

Silence.

"All right," they agreed.

The blades were tugged out of the door, and footsteps sounded as the two Mary-Sues strode off.

"You're a genius," Aragorn said, weak with relief. "Maybe we're not doomed."

Nuin shrugged. "Mary-Sues aren't known for their intelligence. Their obsession with canon characters screws with their brains."

Merry and Boromir engaged in a quite scuffle when Boromir attempted to "borrow" Merry's sword. The ensuing fight stirred up a great cloud of dust.

"AAAAAAA-CHOOOOOO!" sneezed Legolas loudly.

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEGOOOLAAAAAAAAAAAS!" shrieked what sounded like fifty Mary-Sues. "That was _his_ sneeze!"

"Shit. We _are_ doomed," Nuiniachwen corrected gloomily.

_DOOMbadabadaBOOMbadabadaDOOM!_ went an ominous set of drums in the depths of Moria. Wild Sue-screams were heard.

Nuiniachwen covered her head. "Those are Sue-drums. There must be an army in here!" She began swearing loudly.

"Do not give up hope!" boomed a deep, familiar voice.

Everyone stared as the battered door swung open. "Gandalf!"

Gandalf smiled serenely and brushed rock dust off his robes. "Hello, again. Well-met, my old friends! You can leave the sinister Sues to me. They cannot be worse than a Balrog."

"Wanna bet?" challenged Nuin.

The ancient wizard raised his eyebrows. "We meet again, Nuiniachwen. If the lady doesn't mind, I'd rather not take you up."

"Yes, we do mind," Nuin glared. "Now, if the old geezer thinks he's good enough to hold off an army of Sues all by himself -"

"Ah - but I am not alone." Gandalf whistled. All of a sudden deep Dwarvish voices echoed outside the door, yelling a warcry.

"We are with you Gandalf! Where are the Sues?" called Gimli's familiar voice.

Suddenly an evil grin worked its way across Nuin's face. "This is perfect! This is _so_ perfect!"

"What's perfect?" Aragorn was understandably confused.

"This!" she chortled. "Sues can't _stand_ Dwarves! They'll probably all be running out of here faster than you can say, 'Legolas'!"

Legolas stared in astonishment for a moment, then joined in the evil laughter of the rest of the Fellowship. "Finally, the Mary-Sues are at our mercy!"

Then Nuin grew serious for a split-second. "Unless there are Dwarvish Mary-Sues out there. But they are very, very, very rare." Then she started laughing again. The thought that the awful Sues might finally be vanquished was a wonderful thought.

Gandalf nodded. "You're right, Nuiniachwen. This is part of our scheme. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go command my army. You stay here, all of you - you are too weary to fight, and besides, you'd spoil my plan." He threw open the door. The Fellowship caught a glimpse of a massive crowd of Dwarves before the door slammed shut.

A roar from the Dwarves; a high, shrill scream from the Mary-Sues. Gandalf's voice roared out over all, shouting orders. A clash of steel and the pounding of feet indicated that the battle had begun.

"AAAAAAAUGH! I broke a fingernail!" screeched a Mary-Sue.

"Back, you dirty, nasty, short, hairy people!" screamed another. "EW! Don't touch me!"

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" boomed Gandalf. "YOUR DARK CHARMS WILL NOT AVAIL YOU, MARY-SUES! GO BACK TO THE FANDOM FROM WHENCE YOU CAME! YOU - SHALL - NOT - _PASS_!"

There was a roar from something that sounded suspiciously like a Balrog, a sizzling crack - and then, nothing.

"Is it over?" Pippin whispered fearfully.


	10. The Lupin Incident and What Happened

A/N - Eru, it's been a long time since I updated. Meh. Chapter Ten - FINALLY! To all my reviewers - thank you, thank you, _thank_ you! This is one of my most popular stories, beside Smeagol's Alive! , which is pretty cool, all things considered. 

Oh, and BTW, if anyone at all wants a cameo appearance, either as a Sue or a SAG member, please leave your preferred name and a quick li'l description in a review or e-mail. This will be open until the end of AoDE, which, sadly enough, is coming up rather quickly now. I'm gonna miss writing about Sue-fighting *cries*.

Disclaimer - Me no own. Me no like. Me not happy. Me cry now. *cries again*

Chapter 10

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Field Journal Entry #10 _- Mary-Sues, though they possess weapons skills, often rely more on pure luck, coincidence, and sheer stubbornness to succeed in a fight..._

"I'm bored," groaned Nuiniachwen. She went to the door and opened it.

"YOU SHALL NOT PA - oh, sorry, Nuiniachwen." Gandalf cut off his bellow abruptly. "Get back inside, quickly. If the Mary-Sues even catch a glimpse of the object of their affections, our friends are as good as doomed." He then proceeded to slam and lock the door in her face.

Nuin stood swearing at the door for nearly a minute before growing bored once again. "So," she began, turning back to the Fellowship, "know any good jokes?"

They stared at her.

"Ok, screw that," Nuin shrugged. "Let's just sit here and be bored then."

"Actually," Legolas said, "Would you mind telling me the details of some of the _s. perfectivilus_ attacks on - er - canon characters? It would be a great help in my final report."

"Yes!" Pippin agreed. "Tell us!"

"I sure would enjoy a good tale right about now," Sam agreed.

"Tell us about...the Lupin incident," suggested Merry.

"All right then," Nuin sighed. Legolas got out his notepad.

But before she could say a word, the door burst open. A dwarf shoved in two bound Sue-captives and shut the door behind them.

It was Luinramwen and Erenriel.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" screamed the Fellowship in unison.

"Shut up. They can't move," said Nuin. The two Sues glared at her. "Looks like you weren't needed as reinforcements after all, Legolas," she remarked.

"Can they escape?" Sam asked worriedly.

"Doubt it. Now, I'll tell you about the Lupin incident before I take these two boneheads back to Earth."

The two captives started at the words 'Lupin'.

"I didn't _mean_ to drive him insane!" Luinramwen protested.

"I totally forgot it was full moon!" defended Erenriel.

"So did I, but it was you who was crazy enough to try to glomp him when he transformed!"

"Well, the only reason you didn't was because you forgot about the stairs directly behind you!"

"That's beside the point!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"At least _I_ wasn't the one who decided to chase him through the house!"

"Yeah, but you _were_ the one who sent him up on the bookshelves with your screaming!"

"And you were the one who slid off the roof trying to get him when he climbed up the chimney!"

"Yeah, well, it was a better idea than locking all the doors right before he transformed on us!"

"I forgot it was full moon!" protested Erenriel again.

"Just like you forgot he was a wizard until he tried to hex you. Then you ducked and _I_ got hit!"

"At least you didn't end up with octopus tentacles instead of arms!"

"At least you weren't covered in hot pink polka dots!"

"SHUT THE F*** UP!" screamed Nuin.

Dead silence ensued for a blissful moment.

"That's better. Now, if you'll excuse me, I was trying to talk." Nuin turned to the Fellowship. "If you followed all that screaming, you probably get the gist of what happened. Luin and Eren both decided to pay Remus Lupin a visit on the same night. Both of them had forgotten to check the lunar calendar, so neither had the slightest clue that it was full moon that night. What I got out of him was that they locked up all the door and chased him around the house for close to three hours, sending him up on bookshelves, up the chimney, hiding in secret rooms, and on and on - they just always were able to find him. I'm not surprised that he was driven mad by that. He tried jinxing them, hexing them, cursing them...nothing deterred them. Luckily for Remus moonrise was early that night, and he managed to get transformed just as he thought they'd cornered him for good. He was able to bowl them over and escape to a safe spot."

"Transformed?" Legolas questioned.

"Full moon?" Aragorn asked, puzzled.

"Remus was bitten by a werewolf when he was a little kid," Nuin explained. "He's been a werewolf himself ever since."

More silence, but this time it was tense and uneasy.

"One of their targets is a _werewolf_?" gasped Legolas. "A servant of Morgoth?!"

Nuin looked half-amused, half-disgusted. "No, actually, he's not. I mean, he is a werewolf, but he's not a servant of Morgoth, mostly because Morgoth doesn't exist on Earth, also because Remus is one of the nicest guys most people will ever meet. Remus is no more a servant of evil than I'm a Mary-Sue."

"But aren't werewolves supposed to be evil?" asked Sam worriedly.

"Yeah, they get a pretty bad rep," agreed Nuin. "It's only the Middle-Earth werewolves who are evil, I think."

Erenriel had been sputtering angrily for the last minute or so. "Remus is not evil! He is a caring, sensitive guy who was bitten through no fault of his own. He has never collaborated with the dark forces and he never will! Remus is loyal to his friends and he would never betray anyone. Just because he's a werewolf you automatically assume he's evil, but one of his old friends who is not a werewolf, only a coward, betrayed his friends and caused two of them to die. He is most certainly a hundred times more corrupted than Remus. If you met him you'd think exactly like I do -" Erenriel became lost for words, as a dreamy look entered her eyes and she muttered, "Remusss..." to herself.

There was even more silence as the Sue's surprisingly eloquent speech was mulled over. Then Aragorn stated firmly, "I still think Mary-Sues are insane. _Especially_ these two."

Nuin nodded in agreement, then turned to her old friends. "I think it's time," Nuin informed the two Sues, "that I take you to regain the small portion of sanity that you called 'normal'."

The Sues struggled and yelled as Nuiniachwen pulled out the small object that looked like a pocket watch and examined it. "Oh, good. The portal's clear. See ya's." She fiddled with a few knobs on it.

The three Elves disappeared into mid-air.


End file.
